while reading this post i fully recommend listening to this song by SIA. she has a wonderful voice and a brilliant lyricist. i fell in love with the song and i thought it’ll be appropriate to this post.

it was like being hit by lightning, i don’t know what to do. i know for a fact that after so many years, so many heart aches, i have become cynical and jaded when it comes to love. it is the trouble of falling hopelessly and then everything turn into dust in such a young age. all the promises becomes lies. i don’t know what to believe anymore.

but last night, i thought about my maternal grandma my beautiful lola. she is a beautiful person. she was the one who teaches me to respect everybody, be more sensitive to the feelings of others, value family and most of all have a faith in God. before we migrated here in aus, i was her pet, her human walking stick. i go with her every where. i love our walk going to the church. she was always praying but then she will inject little insight, life lessons.

but i was still quite young and couldn’t grasp all the things she said. then last night, all of a sudden, i remember the time when she openly talked about my granddad. how they fell in love and how they built a family during the war and how they stayed together. i remember vividly that she said that he was a tall man, with sturdy built. when he asked for her hand (how old fashion!) he promised that he will build her a house and will provide food on the table. mind you my granddad was a fisherman and during that time what ever you caught will be the money in your pocket and the meal on the table.

he was a the strong patriarch of the family. they bear five kids and most of them had a family/partner of their own. all was educated with my grandparents sweat and blood plus the glory of the ocean. they lived a simple life. she looked after him when he suffered from stroke. they lived together until one of them passed away first. they were with each other and valued the promises they made in front of the church. through think and thin, sick ness and health till death do part us.

my grandma also said that after many years that he was gone, she felt like he never left her. she often tell us the story when she fell asleep in the toilet, she often felt like someone was nudging her to wake up how funny!

i used to blame my parents divorced on why i am not a great believer of marriage but after many years, i come up with the conclusion that it wasn’t them, it was my own decision. marriage is such a difficult union. you are with this person and promised to the someone or something with greater power on us that you will love him/her eternally. that you will remain loyal, loving and cherish each other until one of them drew their last breath. marriage is too much. it is such a hard work.

but i am trying not to be a negative nancy to the possibility of falling in love. i cannot wait for it to happen again. but first i must change the way i view men. yes, i do prejudice them, i judge them by their looks/shoes and the size of their willy. shallow, i know i am,  that is why i am still single. i want a lot of things but they totally contradict one another. i want simplicity but sometimes i want extravagance. i want excitement then all of a sudden i want peace and quiet. i want a lot of things in short period of time. i am reckless, erratic….. i scare a lot of them because i don’t know what i wanted.

but after remembering what my grandma told me about my granddad, sometimes what we wished or what we really wanted is not necessarily what our hearts desire. it will surprise us and often we will be with someone who we don’t even look twice. i am waiting for that surprise, i am being optimistic here. maybe when it comes all the doubts i have will disappear. all the confusion will have answers. the heart will open up and everything is just a speck of dust and the most important thing is just being with that person.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry,  I’m full of fluffy bullshit right now. it makes me happy though. i am trying to believe in love

i love this quote by Edgar Wallace, 1916 from The Clue of the Twisted Candle

“Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake.”

i was thinking about fear last night and i decided to write down everything that i am afraid off. fear is not just something that our imagination created when we look for an excuse to have our light on when we go to sleep. i think fear is also the factor of us not moving forward and achieve our greatest goal.

fear is everywhere, it has a scent, it has a colour, it has a texture. we have our own perspective of how to deal with fear, conquering them is like crushing the giant head of a man-eating dinosaur scary but when it happens we feel elated, powerful.

i decided to write down my fears as a tool to heal myself and gain a self-control. like what i have said from my previous post, i cannot afford to go back to my shrink, so i will cure myself and buy myself a fancy shoes. i read a story last night and please don’t ask me what it is because its one of those random stuff that i read either in the net or in a newspaper, citation is not my best gift when writing thus it show in my grades when i was doing essays. back to the story, it was about this girl who was broken after the love of her life broke up with her and it is a conversation between her and her shrink (it’s not me, promise) the therapist told her to write down all of her worries for 20 minutes and after that she will pray to God about her worries for 10minutes and then she will acknowledge the goodness that she see in her life. amazing isn’t it.

i did not want to fully copy what they were doing. i worry too but i have this great defence mechanism where i just shrug it and i forget about them after 5minutes. but fear is something that i feel like eating me alive. they are like dark shadows that is following me even under a sunny bright day. even after i have a fit of laughter with my friends, when i retreat back on my own, fear is all above me and i don’t want to continue to consume my quest for happiness.

i remember before when i was in my mid twenties when i have great things happening to me at once, my life was good then everything went downhill. when your constantly depressed, little things makes you anxious and i let fear have a 24hour party inside my head. one of my greatest fear is failure in career, in life, little did i know that i am being eaten alive already by this so-called greatest fear of mine.

i don’t want to continue shrugging the fear that i have. i want to face them like david heading on a fight with goliath. we can conquer any fear, i so believe in that. its how we face them that is a bit challenging because facing fear means we also have to face the fear of failure and i feel like there’s so many stages in order to remove all the fears we have. and if we don’t have any fear in our bones anymore, what are we going to do next? does it tip the balance in the equilibrium in life  and does any one on this earth that doesn’t fear anything…….

here are some that i fear most…

i fear for my mom and her health. that her disease will take her away from us so early that i fear that i haven’t spend so much time with her, let alone the feeling of estrangement now that our views are very different.

i fear for my sister and their marriage. i fear that they will succumb to the idea of materialism and forget that what they now is more vital than everything else.

i fear for my niece (and the coming baby) and her safety. i fear that there’s so many predator lurking and they are not protected enough. i fear that she will be bullied and ruin her self-esteem. i fear that she will be the bully and ruin another human being.

i fear for this earth and the ongoing catastrophe. that the fresh air the we breathe and the clean water that we have will be nothing but a story in the near future.

i fear that people losing trust and loyalty. i want to express those two components but i am afraid that people will take advantage of me but i would love to say it to someone, that i fully trust you and i will remain with you.

i fear that my friends will stop to understand me. that i am nothing but a fickle minded individual that fears a lot of things, haha!

i fear to be left alone and i remained stationary because i am content on where i am standing.

i fear not to fall in love again and/or be like mrs hevisham with dozen of dogs (i hate cats) and carrying my crocodile birkin bag because i choose them over love.

i fear dying alone……………..

funny enough, i remember a seinfeld skit where jerry said that man most fear was death second is public speaking. i never fear death because all the people who i love is in heaven and all the people i adored is dead. in regards to public speaking, well, i may not be speaking in direct public but i think this blog is so….. i fear not

sadly, even though we are now living in a modern society, women who act upon their sexual need are deemed to be promiscuous. they are still frown upon and brand them with terms  like slut, whore bag, easy. where as a man with multiple partners in his life are treated which so much adulation. with his conquer on women comes knowledge and experience.

what i don’t understand is that during our stages growing up, sex will be included in one of our needs specially when the changes in our body will start to appear. when hormones starts to kick in, the attraction to opposite sex ( or same-sex) is inevitable.

like i said before, growing up, sex is something we don’t commonly discuss during dinner. yes, i have heard my mom talked about it, joked around with her friends but i do not recall any mother and daughter conversation about sex and all. we are also a very non naked family. we changed our clothes behind closed doors, we never confront our body issues which is not healthy in my opinion because it does nothing to my self-esteem growing up.

i was never comfortable with my own body. i always hated my big breast. i never look after my body because i don’t want to flaunt it like everybody else. i am envious to some big girls who doesn’t care if they are bit curvy than most women in magazine but still manage to look sexy regardless of their size. i never buy my own bra, i hate the idea of lingerie shopping and i always look down when i walk. sad really, i know.

that is why i love being in my 30′s. it feels like finally i am comfortable with my own skin. i start to look after myself and i started to accentuate the best bits of my body. i got curves and lovely lady lumps but that doesn’t stop me from wearing clothes that i like. i feel good wearing nice lingerie. i walk with my head high and chest up. i finally loved myself just the way i am.

with self loving comes the appreciation of expressing them sexually. like Samantha jones herself, she doesn’t make an excuse on her sexual appetite  because she is so sure of herself. she will do whatever she wanted and get what makes her happy.

i read in a magazine before that madonna was asked if she regret doing her erotica book after she had her daughter and was about to marry guy ritchie. she said that though she is scared that Lourdes might see the now infamous book, she never regretted the fact that she act upon her sexual desire.

i admired madonna after reading that article. it is so true, we all have sexual need and desire. some are tame, some are quite extreme but it boils down to our need as human or our animal side that we have to overcome our sexual need.

i am in that stage right now. i’m not saying that i wanted to do my own version of hard copy erotica books nor become the Samantha jones of my post code. i am just afraid to be called a slut just because i prefer casual relationship over long-lasting relationship. no matter how many times my friends reassured me that it is okay, still i cannot help but to feel like an easy woman because of that. women are still easily judged with our action and the number of men we have been with. even though we tried to say “who cares” it’s my business but when someone look on us as if we have a scarlet letter on our forehead or even worse some men think that it is not acceptable, i cannot help but revert back to the old me. the one that walks with my head down, afraid to be branded.

it’s quite sad isn’t it. if there’s a little Samantha jones in each of every one of us, why are we keeping her inside like a dirty secret? why can’t we be like her? do we really have to grow some balls to be able to act like her? help me out because no matter how many times my friends reassure me that what i am doing right now is a very healthy stage of my life, i cannot help but hide this behind close doors.

i do not have guts to delete this account and get rid off this blog. you can say that i am quite attached to this ranting business. i have tried everything to overcome any issues that i have recently but all of them cost a lot of mulah but this blog is for free.

so how is every body doing? do i still have readers? am i still interesting? probably not. who wants to read the constant rant of a 31-year-old and her dilemma on dating, clothes, family, obsession to robert pattinson and men.

well, i have been busy with my daily existence and doing mundane task of living and thriving even though in others, what i have been doing is basically nothing. i go to work 5 days a week. i go to yoga as much as i can then eat conspicuous amount of fatty/ carbo loaded food. i do deep and meaningful with my friends, i chain smoke then i hit my head on my lovely bed under the rubble of doona and warm blanket. in between, i tried to squeeze in some flirting, some sex and complain about men and their lack of common sense.

welcome to my life. a life of a single woman in high pace, modern sydney. forget about what you have read previously from this blog. once again, i am trying to do some cleaning and start all over again. i’m from a traditional asian family. i have an amazing love/hate relationship with my siblings and i have an over bearing mother who still think that i am a virgin and will remain like that forever. her mission in life is to see me married. my mission in life is to get thru this life happy, satisfied and at peace with everyone.

only handful of my friends knew that i blog. if some of them found out about this, i will never see the end of their ridicule. but who cares? i have been to therapy and it is fucking expensive. one session can get me a good pair of shoes. being a tight ass that i am and a shoe fanatic. i did not return to my shrink, went to mall to buy shoes, then polished up this blog instead.

~~~~~

i am currently at work sitting in front of my desk “supposedly” doing some work but my mind cannot focus.  on the way to work, my sense of smell was assaulted by this pungent, cheap smell of LYNX spray. i hate lynx spray, they are the equivalence of impulse for girls which i am not going to lie, i have used when i was in high school to cover my cigarette smell.

i do not understand the fascination of men on those spray. what i don’t understand more is why do they have to spray a great amount of this vile air pollutant when all it does is make a nausea stench in a confide space.

scientist said that scent plays an important part on human attraction. that male pheromones which are the natural sweaty smell of male are the one that drives the female crazy. uhmmmm, i dunno about that.  my yoga class is practiced in a heated room and with all that pretzel poses and stretching, some of the male in the class cannot help but sweat profusely and to tell you the truth it is not a sexy site.

i know that not all male species are gifted with a good smelling pheromones. which they trying to cover by using this body spray, but have you noticed that it doesn’t get rid off the body odour? it just make the body odour 10x worse with a hint of musky spice.

there’s nothing more attractive to a guy who smell gloriously. i can follow a guy to eternity if he smelled like, well…. eternity by calvin klein. not just perfume but if he smell like soap, laundry softener or even coffee, you can assure that i am behind them following them like a mad stalker.

so if i have a male readers, please for the love of God, disposed those silly can of lynx that you have inside the cupboard and buy a decent male perfume. i will guarantee that not only you will attract lots of women (and some men) you will also help our environment, haha. i know that they are cheap and easily accessible but it is far better than smelling like the guy 3rd row behind you.

you see i have this thing that i do before i take a nap. i surf the net and check for my favourite site. i am already lying on the bed and i have my laptop on top of me and just read blogs til i become drowsy. i don’t know what came up to me that day and i checked my hotmail email add.

i rarely check this email as it is full of spam from some of the most ridiculous website (ie penis enlargement, survey and wot not) anyhoo, i checked and i nearly forget that i signed up at SIA website and joined this competition to see her live. luckily i did and when i get the email and found out that i won, i called my work, pretend that i am sick and get myself ready and head back to the city.

i called some people that i can take, running to catch an early bus, 45 mins later (gawd, i hate where i live!) i am in the city, waited for cee and we were on the line outside apple store waiting for the show. it was so spontaneous, it was freaking crazy.

ok, here are some pics…

these are the photos taken by some cool photographer and was posted to SIA facebook site.

you can’t properly see us but we were standing on the left side. i look slim in this pic, haha!

oh dear gawd! i am on the second row but that tall dude in white shirt totally blocked me. me, of all people?!?!

me and my babe- cee! those are the cool pass they gave us outside.

the gorgeous and quirky SIA FURLER. she is so tiny but she got a very strong voice. i love when she saw the people at the second floor and she just bursted and said “f**k” gawd, i loved her even more.

i did not take this video. for some bizarre reason, i cannot upload it here in my new blog. that’s ok cos i took the video the other way around, i don’t know why but this is for my babe- nadine, who missed this out but i was thinking of you when she sang this. i love how she did that looney dance and then she became subdued, that is sia for you!

we had an awesome night out of nothing. i did not expect to see her at all, she just made this march extra, extra special. tomorrow, me and nads are going to watch an indie movie of rpattz and then sayonara march, it has been full blast. i’m not complaining but i am getting kinda exhausted already.

thank you for following me in here and i hope that i can offer you some good and funny insight of my daily musing.

one thing to expect- rpattz is still in the building!! haha!