while reading this post i fully recommend listening to this song by SIA. she has a wonderful voice and a brilliant lyricist. i fell in love with the song and i thought it’ll be appropriate to this post.
it was like being hit by lightning, i don’t know what to do. i know for a fact that after so many years, so many heart aches, i have become cynical and jaded when it comes to love. it is the trouble of falling hopelessly and then everything turn into dust in such a young age. all the promises becomes lies. i don’t know what to believe anymore.
but last night, i thought about my maternal grandma my beautiful lola. she is a beautiful person. she was the one who teaches me to respect everybody, be more sensitive to the feelings of others, value family and most of all have a faith in God. before we migrated here in aus, i was her pet, her human walking stick. i go with her every where. i love our walk going to the church. she was always praying but then she will inject little insight, life lessons.
but i was still quite young and couldn’t grasp all the things she said. then last night, all of a sudden, i remember the time when she openly talked about my granddad. how they fell in love and how they built a family during the war and how they stayed together. i remember vividly that she said that he was a tall man, with sturdy built. when he asked for her hand (how old fashion!) he promised that he will build her a house and will provide food on the table. mind you my granddad was a fisherman and during that time what ever you caught will be the money in your pocket and the meal on the table.
he was a the strong patriarch of the family. they bear five kids and most of them had a family/partner of their own. all was educated with my grandparents sweat and blood plus the glory of the ocean. they lived a simple life. she looked after him when he suffered from stroke. they lived together until one of them passed away first. they were with each other and valued the promises they made in front of the church. through think and thin, sick ness and health till death do part us.
my grandma also said that after many years that he was gone, she felt like he never left her. she often tell us the story when she fell asleep in the toilet, she often felt like someone was nudging her to wake up how funny!
i used to blame my parents divorced on why i am not a great believer of marriage but after many years, i come up with the conclusion that it wasn’t them, it was my own decision. marriage is such a difficult union. you are with this person and promised to the someone or something with greater power on us that you will love him/her eternally. that you will remain loyal, loving and cherish each other until one of them drew their last breath. marriage is too much. it is such a hard work.
but i am trying not to be a negative nancy to the possibility of falling in love. i cannot wait for it to happen again. but first i must change the way i view men. yes, i do prejudice them, i judge them by their looks/shoes and the size of their willy. shallow, i know i am, that is why i am still single. i want a lot of things but they totally contradict one another. i want simplicity but sometimes i want extravagance. i want excitement then all of a sudden i want peace and quiet. i want a lot of things in short period of time. i am reckless, erratic….. i scare a lot of them because i don’t know what i wanted.
but after remembering what my grandma told me about my granddad, sometimes what we wished or what we really wanted is not necessarily what our hearts desire. it will surprise us and often we will be with someone who we don’t even look twice. i am waiting for that surprise, i am being optimistic here. maybe when it comes all the doubts i have will disappear. all the confusion will have answers. the heart will open up and everything is just a speck of dust and the most important thing is just being with that person.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m full of fluffy bullshit right now. it makes me happy though. i am trying to believe in love 
0 Responses to “L.O.V.E”